Monday Jollies
This is fun for about ten seconds.
Then I remember my dream of shaving was not in fact a real shave this morning, and so have little time to waste on trivialities.
June 30, 2008
June 29, 2008
Tennis Thoughts on an Idle Sunday
Agnieszka Radwanska will probably disappear from the scratchpad of history, but while she's around, I take notice. Hits the ball clean. Admirable disposition.
Plus she's cute as all get out, and sexy.
I am completely in control of myself. This fiction about women making men blind is a dark, dark secret.
Not sure about that hairdo. Bette Midler does Warsaw? I'll let that slide.
But sultry eyes are a slam dunk. Nineteen and experimenting with mascara.
I know several readers out there are tired of tennis, but we are in the middle of Wimbledon. Either that or ESPN's boring sixty minutes of baseball.
The players I like are still alive, except for the dead ones.
Here is what Agnieszka Radwanska is thinking in her hotel room:
"How do I beat the russian bear?"
This is before she cleaned out that little refrigerator.
All I got from my interview was a hiccup.
Svetlana Kuznetsova, just another masculine woman whose unpronounceable name ends in "a." No amount of mascara is going to help her, and she knows it, which is why she is so dangerous.
!
!
V
<--- Back to Agnieszka's inner thoughts:
"I don't think I can win. But I have my black dress all picked out for the champions dinner and dance with Roger.
I wonder if he'll propose.
Ten minutes with me and his longstanding girlfriend will be history.
Perhaps that's why I'm never invited over.
Don't tell me that girlfriend for fifteen years has that much of a hold on him.
Maybe I should try a different look, or wax one of the Williams sisters for emphasis.
First things first. If a Wimbledon 4th-round match were to fall in my favor against Ms. Testosterone, guys will emerge excitedly from the woodwork.
Then I'll have to decide which ones to disappoint.
If I win one more time, Mark might quit his infatuation with Kristin Chenoweth and Stevie Nicks, midwestern romances, and devote more time to my favorite sport, which is actually chess."
Stop thinking too much, Agnieszka. I've seen your legs and also your driver's license. The birth year is shockingly recent. You are very pretty, but that's not enough.
"Why?"
"Just, you know, grow into your twenties for starters."
"Fine."
"And what's with this Roger, Roger, Roger stuff? Don't you like middle aged rocket scientists?"
"I suppose they are fine as long as they last."
That's it:
Sob into a pillow. Get back to me in fifteen years. Relieve your father from that sawed-off shotgun.
Maybe better to remember your homeland's heritage of being invaded from the East ten thousand times.
Seek revenge.
Win something. Turn up on a Wheaties box. Try escalating from the top fifty to the top ten.
"Oh Mark, you just don't care about me as a person."
Yes I do, if you'll be so kind as to dismiss a Williams sister. That's all I request of any deity with the slightest sense of mercy.
"Fine."
Fine.
"Get mad now."
"I am."
<---- Ya know, she's really pretty good.
If this coolest chick from Krackow somehow manages to sneak in a victory and get to the quarterfinals, watch out for classic chokers, such as Elena Dementieva.
She will ruin your day every time.
Don't let me be the one to advise Poles to guard their backs, what with that stellar history in terms of not being surprise attacked.
I don't worry about Agnieszka's poise. Not afraid of Russian choke jobs.
Oh, did I mention russian puff cakes for choke jobs?
------->
I can't let a demeaning comment go when the lure floats in front of my nose.
Poor Elena Dementieva. I've never felt more sorry for anyone in my life. God bless her, she hits a great shot then double faults. Every time for ten thousand years.
Her misery, in the Greek archetype sense, persuaded me to develop a derivative of her name as a passport to a password for poor online investments.
It's sick because I like her, want her to do well, and I hate tennis and why do you keep bringing it up?
We return you now to your regular blog reading.
Because you don't need a sports inside reporter's claim on the state of the Women's Tennis Association, although I should get paid for the golden nuggets I hold under my mattress.
I refuse to close this post before uttering the hope that Agnieszka might americanize her name.
But that would turn her into an Aggie. I dunno. College Station, that white hat. Predisposition for always coming out on top.
As a University of Texas Alumni, I, and certainly my brother and sis-in-law, would find that unacceptable.
Back to Krakow, baby.
<--- Miss Radwanska has a pretty ball toss, and a little extension goes a long way.
Cool customer too. Composure can't really be taught. You either have it or turn into Joan Cusack, the controlled crazy.
If Agnieszka could simply mangle syllables into vowels, give a guy's jaw room to breathe, garner one or two big wins...
Stop being so hard on the eyes.
Not saying she looks like Maria or Ana, but THEY ARE BOTH OUT AREN'T THEY? Losers.
Ag's implacable coolness on court drives me crazy, as if we were not discussing how hard her name is to pronounce.
All kidding aside, the kid is cool under pressure.
Calmer than me screaming from my living room, "hit the backhand up the line and go to net!"
I know she's just brimming inside, desirous of a polka.
I tried to polka once.
I fell down.
You may say to me,
"Mark, Mark, Mark - she's a young Polish girl, applauding your Dennis Miller T-Shirt."
I say, I've always wanted to be a potato farmer, as long as the wife earns $500,000 per year and comes home every night.
Is This Show Ever Coming Back?
I understand the writers' strike and all, but it is time to bring back the blonde vs. brunette wars.
Paraphrasing:
<---- "I am the girlfriend, Olive. See me in the photo? Get out.
Resume your Nashville singing career, or RV movies with Robin Williams. Whatever."
"Hey Chuck,
At least he doesn't have to kiss me through plastic".--->
"Cheap shot."
"You've already been dead once."
"Want to join the club?"
"The Pie Hole has been down for reconstruction. America forgets."
"We are coming back in the Fall."
"Ah, so the writers can try to sustain a romance where two love interests can never actually touch each other. And then there is me, in the flesh."
"Brutal."
"Oh, and Chuckie. It's past Memorial Day now, so feel free to wear white, although the paisley compliments your desperation."
"That's it! I'm calling my Godfather. We are going to the mattresses."
"One of us, maybe."
"You are a dead woman."
"Anymore threats and I'll call in the crazy aunts."
June 28, 2008
This is One Strange Woman
Expecting more tennis commentary?
Later. It's the middle Sunday,
If the Williams sisters keep winning, I'm not going to watch anymore.
Just give me iTunes and I'll be happy re-living the past.
If anyone cares to comment, what is it about Stevie Nicks that drives normal men nuts?
She is pretty, talented, old. Maintains a 60's personality. Survived the Bill Clinton administration.
Mystical. She is a phenomenon of nature.
Don't know where the appeal springs from. It's not like you can fake true weirdness, or learn it from a book.
A lifetime of development.
You can talk to me with that crazy, insane, heart-ripping voice.
She's over fifty and probably not demanding.
Lace. Likes flowing articles of clothing. Never makes a verbal mistake on record either.
I miss Fleetwood Mac.
June 27, 2008
Agnieszka Radwanska
I like to think I can pick em.
This is one cool chick with a hard-to-pronounce name.
She stared down Nadia Petrova two weeks ago. I've seen a lot of tennis matches in my time. That was a display of the utmost poise, and she won.
That seems to be key, winning.
Maria and Ana will have their time.
As for the wedding invitation this might proffer to curiosity, I prefer the love-dance of consecutive consonants strung together in a tongue-baffling bereavement of words tangled and torn, green on soft white paper.
Remember the name. "Aggie" owns her small space of brilliance at the moment.
How many Polish girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero. They hire it out to Slovakians after winning tennis matches.
Ta-dum. Good thing she has a sense of humor.
Actually, Poland possesses some of the nicer weatherwomen, even if their attire comes from the Eastern Block equivalent of Walmart.
Subdued verbal inflections.
She's probably not going further, but it's shocking how much I like her, and I continue to remain amazed to discover Poland has the internet.
Flat screen technology as well.
I don't know, Mark.
"Flat" screen technology indeed. And an oh-too-vociferous insistence on linguistic pleasures of verbs of motion.
For me, the celsius system is easier to adopt, because there aren't as many numbers as the Farenheit system. It's like having a bra size of "whatever."
This tends to amuse lacklusters around the world, speaking of which...
How many American lazy males does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero. They hire their Polish girlfriends to hire Slovakians to call Home Depot.
I'm not the one sitting in a chair WATCHING Wimbledon.
I'm not the one formulating vast decisions about shirts that need ironing in the dog room.
I'm hardly the one to email weather forecasters in Krackow, and that's my aunt by the way.
Mac Book Pro
I'm not saying you want one, but yes I am.
How shall I put this...
INCREDIBLE?
That sounds too hyped. Let's just go with your natural insecurities and unwillingness to pay top dollar.
If you go to a Mac Store, and I did not realize this at first, but you get an appointment with a GENUIS.
Yeah, that's right. Walk up to the genius bar as if they were serving sloe gin fizzes.
It caught me off guard, the "genius" thing when I brought in a dead keyboard a few weeks ago.
Then I looked around, and a lot of people took time from their day to just learn about all the Apple stuff.
I felt like a CIA plant. "Oh, so you think you are going to iSync?" Hardy har har.
Then the cute girl, about 19 years old, told me how to draw together all my computer stuff, vet records, sad tales of stock purchases... now the misery is all in one place.
She was a genius behind the genius bar.
I must tell you, I'm the first sports fan to run behind a winner saying, "I told you so!"
Then again, coming from a Dallas Cowboys family, where no crime is too small for Jerry Jones' pen - you might think me overly persuaded by rhetoric or entrenched positions on life, God.
I assure you if Dallas wins less than ten games next season, I'm done with them.
But back to the point, which I think had something to do with "loyalty."
I'm completely in love with everything Mac. Sure, some of the applications take getting used to, but like old girlfriends in dripping swimming suits, freezing time and lust, well - not sure where that line of thought portended, but the fact of the matter is - it portended on a MAC.
I'm willing to remain one of those dumb guys, "Oh wow, dude can't handle Windows or Vista."
So I remain just a little guy, without any brains, clinging to my Mac.
Steve Jobs Needs Another Job
Fine.
Now I have to change all my Woody Allen references.
It's like the Ice Capades in some Neitschean twist of history recurring the same way, over and over again.
Awful
I would say that Maria's "performance" was unbelievably bad, but that would be giving the girl more credit than she deserves.
That was the worst tennis I've ever had the non-privilege of witnessing, and the obvious evidence lays down these facts:
* Girl is 21 years old, mega-millionaire
* All she has, and all she has ever had, is to stand there, serve, shriek usually for no reason, smack the ball either left or right, and if it goes in - great.
* She is a 6'2" porcelain doll who can't move, has no concept of grace, no ability to adapt her "A" plan, completely one dimensional
* She half expects the world to become her oyster, but the other girls, who are actually good tennis players, don't see life the same way.
And you know what? Most observers would think to themselves, "a loss like this is devastating. She'll go back to basics, improve."
But I don't think so.
I honestly believe this girl got lucky, pulled the golden ring a few times, and is destined to melt into a capable fashion model with a camera and a dog.
She was the pretty girl for a while. Now it is Ana Time.
It's kind of sad to see someone fall. I don't relish it. We all rise and fall, usually without the consolation of enough money in the bank to absorb distraught tears.
The other girls are going to push her out of the way now.
There is absolutely no excuse for milking talent, training, all the blessings thousands would kill for, and walk out there, open up her Vogue outfit, and put on the most disgraceful flail of fluttering ineptitude.
God-given wonders don't come every day, nor liberally spread across humanity. And if a person here or there is touched, then I feel they owe it not only to themselves, but to you and me, to honor that gift, and try.
But reality is - when you've got so much, inner inspiration can fly away like a dove.
June 26, 2008
My Computer Talks Like Valerie
Valerie
I was nowhere NEAR Valerie when her dad walked in.
This next is so cool.
If you have a Mac, you already know.
But if you are running with Windows, text-to-speech is available in Excel 2003.
Don't ask me why WORD 2003 doesn't have it, although you can create a macro. This is inexplicable.
Here is the Blah blah.
Trust me, you Windows people.
Come over to the dark side, Macs, where everything has been like sort of transformed into cool technology you can actually understand.
As for this girl in the picture, one of those weird thespian outcasts from high school, holding up an ancient archeological relic, looking like Joanie on Happy Days...
No one ever dates a redhead seriously, and her fifth house is in Switzerland.
Sooooo Close to Defeat
Is Ana the new drama queen or what?
Wimbledon. Round two.
You can't get any closer to losing than stand two match points down in the second set, and the second shot dribbles over a let cord to keep you alive.
Then you go on to win 10-8 in the third.
Unbelievable.
Almost as unbelievable as the fact I am typing from a room whose temperature is less than 80 degrees.
I'm going to refrigerate the house today, just for the fun of it.
That's right. A/C is fixed. Bring on summer.
I ain't fraid of no hurricanes neither.
Now time to get to work early and make up some of those hours spent lounging around the house, waiting for maintenance men who haul around huge squares of metal.
June 24, 2008
Evaporator Coil = Evaporating Money
My A/C serviceman arrived at 6:30PM last night from a scheduled window of 9AM - 1PM on a workday. The verdict? Leaking evaporator coil.
What are ya gonna do? Gotta fix it. Can't lay out for replacement duct work, nor an upgraded condenser. This stuff ain't cheap.
But money is only money. I don't look forward to waiting around for another appointment, although they say "installers" usually arrive more on time than the technician inspection hacks who work 16 hours per day in summer.
But I get a $5 rebate/coupon on the back of the business card for the company. Let's not forget that.
Guess I'd better start stocking up the work hours.
June 22, 2008
World's Ugliest Dog Contest Winner
I imagine Gus had it pretty rough in dog training school.
Dude is probably happy as a clam with new claim to fame.
The reason I'm blogging before 5AM on a Sunday is someone called my cell phone 30 minutes ago. I didn't recognize the number.
June 21, 2008
In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning...
Ain't got no picture today;
Ain't got no grammar;
In to work for a stay;
Pre-dawn stammer;
No glamor.
Work hours under the moon;
Call it flex time;
A/C guy come soon?
Monday's dime,
Eat a lime.
(that last line, wasn't fine. Rather sour, at this hour)
June 20, 2008
Hi-Tech Problem Resolution
Yesterday I raced home from work, trying to beat the large thunderstorms coming down from the north.
As usual, when in a hurry, coincidentally something goes wrong that stops your progress. In this case, I needed to safely shut down my computer and unplug the power and internet connections for safety.
But the Mac was frozen with the spinning beachball of death. No reaction to the mouse. What?
Reboot!. "Wireless mouse not detected..." Wireless? I'm not using one of those. Wait...
Of course, the USB mouse plug into the back of the monitor had pulled out just enough to disconnect. Gently push it back in. Everything's fine.
But that has never happened before, and chose to happen at the precise moment I didn't have time to debug the situation.
Same coincidence as some piece of software performing a once-per-year upgrade at the same exact time you are on the phone, trying debug a problem, and the two events have nothing to do with each other. It just interferes with your problem diagnosis.
Many other examples in life, especially in traffic, like when just one lagging car prevents you from turning left on green yield, just before lights turns red.
It's the "are you kidding me?" or "what are the odds?" aspects of rude annoyances that sometimes make one think the universe is a malevolent puppet-meister.
I think I'll take one step at a time today.
June 19, 2008
I've Lost My Appetite
$200 "gourmet" burger at a Burger King in London.
I don't think so.
However, a story like at least is not about playing politics with oil, or Oprah, or midwest floods, or tying up our court system with appeals from Guantanamo inmates represented pro-bono by thousands of american lawyers, or...
Well you get the picture. Maybe we all should stuff our face.
June 17, 2008
Cate Blanchett - Take Two
Notice how long my self-imposed moratorium on posting about women lasted, and a re-run no less.
Just in case anyone missed it the first time, a few days ago. The link behind this picture goes to my .iMac gallery.
If crime pays like that, maybe I want to be a sleepover bandit too? At least Cate is over thirty, which might help some of the "tsk-tsking" going on out there in blog land.
Just in case anyone missed it the first time, a few days ago. The link behind this picture goes to my .iMac gallery.
If crime pays like that, maybe I want to be a sleepover bandit too? At least Cate is over thirty, which might help some of the "tsk-tsking" going on out there in blog land.
YouTube finally came through as well:
I Might Have to Give This a Try
What, No Females in this Post?
I sense myself sailing dangerously near rocky shoals with some of the women out there who think I have a one-track mind.So to demonstrate my variety of topical interests, whether you believe me or not, here is an interesting video about how computers first began.
<--- I have mentioned this site before. It's like discovering the public library when you are eleven years old.
I tend to watch podcasts via iTunes on my iPod, but anyone can just visit the webpage and window shop (sic).
June 16, 2008
Now I Remember What I Liked About Germany
No No No No No No No No No
Windows XP is not going to be supported anymore?
I don't want "Vista" for my PCs which operate the Emerson Cam, or contain Quicken records of how much money I've lost on Wachovia this past year (sing it with me -78%).
Bill Gates is getting out of Microsoft to pursue philanthropic efforts with his basketball-loving hottie of a wife, but where does that leave us?
Don't they know how much we enjoy trying to keep Norton anti-virus software up to date on three computers, or Windows updates, or various error message windows we nervously close, or the task manager window that shows a bazillion programs running and we have no idea what they do?
Don't take that away from us.
My Macs are primary, even more so now. If only Quicken had a reliable Mac version, these clunky PCs would get the doorstop recognition they so richly deserve.
June 15, 2008
Last Call for Stupidity
Cate Blanchett
I am a huge fan of this young lady.
The girl is from Australia, yet owns a dead-on perfect American accent.
And you know, she's really pretty, down deep.
Galadrial from "Lord of the Rings." Queen of the Elves, I believe.
The dwarf Gimli fell in love with her.
All was anarchy with HER around during the excursion of the fellowship through Lothlorien.
But she ran into a problem over her Tolkien contract.
Elf Queens not allowed to have sex.
The agreement only extends for thirty years.
As for the rumors about Cate going anorexic.
There were some very bad photographs.
I have not actually spoken with her people, but I think and pray she is going to be all right.
Wander misty-eyed through life.
Is This Guy Human?
Two long eagle putts?
Are you kidding me?
June 14, 2008
Emma Thompson
I know Emma Thompson is not everyone's cup of tea.
She grows older with grace. But I have always liked her. She's very smart.
So for my own fun, I submit a little film encapsulation:
What I like about English girls and accents, are their accents.
And the way they move to make you feel far from home.
I love them.
The glint of verbs and nouns, the uplifting turn of phrase, enjoyable to all of us under the sun.
Problem with re-living 19th century, is the fact that they had no Macs.
Here is the sweet scene on YouTube:
Toy Story 3
I don't really know the whole toy story behind Disney's acquisition of Pixar, but let's hope corporate greed does not ruin this stellar upstart.
Not one flop, elastigirl.
Looking forward to next installment of Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, and Joan Cusack.
Here's the inside scoop from no less than The Wall Street Journal.
Woody the cowboy and his toy-box friends are dumped in a day-care center after their owner, Andy, leaves for college.
Guess what? I was "chosen" to be a Nielson household.
They wanted my TV viewing habits. I steered them away from "Oprah," "The View," and Katie Couric.
Long live "General Hospital."
I love blowing their demographic out of the water. Weird admixture of the soap, "Cash Cab," The Discovery Channel, ESPN, CSPAN, and National Geographic.
Here's a blast from my 70's past. No one better than Meat Loaf for belting out life's truths.
June 13, 2008
imeem: another internet time-sucker
Tired of trying to sleep with cotton in my mouth. Tongue is getting better. I can actually taste this coffee.
Got a message from imeem about a song I commented upon months ago. Interesting site, full of social options aka Flock. But as I recall, the music and videos, while you can access them at will on your computer, have encoding that prevents direct CD burning, etc. I can't remember what I tried to do and failed at the time, but here is an example with Belinda Carlisle. This is shareable via Facebook.
I hear Firefox is about to release a new version. This browser is superior to Internet Explorer, which I have had no end of problems with on my Windows PCs.
However, I still retain Safari on my Macs. I think that is closely related to Mozilla, not sure about web browser incest rules. I say, if it works, is easy to use, fast - stay with it.
I hope I don't have any meetings at work this afternoon. Need to get home to complete restoring a PC I had to reinstall from the rescue disk due to a failed "Windows Update" that had something to do with Internet Explorer.
Back to imeem.com. An oldie but goodie. I get email of another comment on this every week or so.
June 11, 2008
Sometimes It Doesn't Go Perfectly
Not to pull on too many violin strings, but had a bad dental experience. The dentist and assistance worked efficiently, but still took a long time. My mouth is very small, so it was hard to keep it open, even with props.
But the worst part must have come right after I left with a temporary crown from the office. Face still numb, and tongue. I bit my tongue even while having just told myself to be careful not to do that. Pretty big gouge, way in the back. Not an experience to endorse.
So boys and girls, not being tongue-in-cheek, remember to be very careful with tongue and cheek when it comes your turn to be dummied up. A little life lesson there. This is going to take a few days to get over.
Me and Advil are experiencing an intense, short-term relationship.
PS Did not ask for, and was not offered, gas or Zantax. Just the novocane. Dentist said that uses of gas went out after popularity in the 20's and 50's. But I guess some dentists still use it (as an anxiety reliever?). I'm glad I wasn't loopy on top of careless, or I'd probably be in the hospital.
June 10, 2008
Dental Appointment
Let's hope dental techniques have improved since the middle ages.
I need a crown, way back on the bottom right side. My mouth is small so hard to hold it open for a long time (don't say it).
Obviously, I'm looking forward to today with enthusiasm.
June 9, 2008
Credit Where Credit is Due
Too good.
June 8, 2008
ABBA
I feel revived.
Google Gods let my website live, so I do what I always do Sundays.
I love ABBA.
Grew up with them.
Heard a commercial with one of their songs, and all I can do to not listen to them all day.
Can't quite decide which woman to steal.
Neither could the dudes, which explains the series of marriages.